May the bridges I burn light my way

Where to begin? I have so much to say but no idea how to say it. I was admitted back into a psych ward, for again purposely over dosing on pills. It's not that I want to die, I just don't know where else to go from here. But obviously there is a God out there who wants me to live. In two days I am admitting myself in an inpatient drug/alcohol abuse center. (This will be the second time.) The psychiatrist told me that no one should be conscious with the amount of alcohol that was in my body when I was admitted into the ER. I was that night. Honestly, this time around the psych ward wasn't so bad. I became close friends with a 48 year old anorexic/bulimic who also was an alcoholic. She was 83 pounds. A skeleton. I've never been able to relate to anyone as much as her. I can't go into more detail right now. I'm losing weight still. When I got home, my family asked me if I had even ate anything during those 11 days while I was there. I simply replied no. I'm an adult, I'm not under their control anymore. Today I walked 2 miles and I could barely make it. I felt so weak. I get light headed every time I stand up. I would say my calorie intake per day is 200-300. No more. I've pushed away all of my friends. I also broke up with Sam. Nobody needs to be with me and deal with these demons I'm fighting. I couldn't put that on anybody. I was never one to rely on anyone but myself anyways. On a positive note thank you for the comments and hello new followers :) I really appreciate the encouragement girls.

I feel no less repulsive.

Friday through Saturday I didn't eat anything. I wasn't purposely fasting. There were so many things on my mind, I was too distracted to eat. Yesterday I caved and had a 500 calorie lasagna dinner, but purged it back up. And today I had a 180 calorie salad, followed by running a couple miles. I'm back with Sam. He asked me to move in with him, so I've decided to go ahead with that. If things don't work out, I can always come home. He loves me but I'm not sure if I love him. If I was sane I would but I still am in love with someone who's unavailable. He's single, but he's not ready to grow up and take responsibility for our son.
Cheers,

And now my heart is stone cold...

...because you've gone away. I don't feel like writing much, I'm in a weird funk. So, I thought I'd just do a thinspo post.
xo LO

Short-Lived

SO many things have happened since my last post. I broke up with my child's father. (Yes I have a three year old.) I started dating this new guy Sam...we moved to Denver, Colorado from Illinois then two weeks later we moved back to Illinois. I am devastated. I fell in love with Denver in the short time I was there. The reason we moved back you ask? Because he wasn't able to get into school there being he is almost done getting his masters and some of his credits wouldn't transfer. I broke up with him during the drive home. I don't think I even loved him, I just wanted an adventure. I'm quite compulsive. My weight also went back up to 125, being that the only option of food most of the time was fast food. Being 5'10 my body hates being lower than 120. But I'm finally back on track and have more motivation than ever to get the weight off. I find that when I let myself be happy in a relationship, I gain weight. So I'd rather be single and be miserable, pathetic huh? The only good news I have is that I turned 21! Finally.
Enjoy some thinspo...

2 Week Fast?

I made it through my first 24 hours...many still to go though! I'm only going to consume water and green-tea. Wish me luck lovelies :)

Fresh out of the psych ward.

After overdosing on 60 xanax, the hospital decided to throw me in a Psychiatry Hospital...where I was also diagnosed for an eating disorder for the second time this year. Their idea of treatment was a joke. They watched and wrote down everything I ate...but they didn't know I would run to my bathroom and purge everything. I ended up gaining x pounds because a toilet wasn't always accessible. :/ But luckily I am back down to 115. Does anyone have any advice to prevent fainting? Its happened to me three times now and its quite embarrassing because all three times I've been in public. Thank you for your comments and I see have some new followers. Hello :D

ME as of today: