I lost myself

I can't even begin to explain how happy I am. My weight is getting lower and lower. My period didn't even come this month! My spine feels constantly bruised from laying against hard surfaces. I'm eating only 300 calories a day or less...I HATE going over 300. I live off yogurt, oatmeal, and oh don't forget the jack & diet cokes that some how let me lose weight. People are telling me I need to gain weight. I say no thanks. They're just jealous anyways. Thanks to Zoloft I have completely lost my appetite. I miss you guys and I miss blogging. Thanks for all your wonderful comments. I promise I'll be posting more often.

It's when we're dying that we actually begin to live.

Worked out like a crazy person for 4 hours. I hate that everyone notices the difference of my body except me. I think they're trying to fool me.
Here's today's meals:

Instant oatmeal plain: 100
Light vanilla yogurt: 80
Half a 100 calorie pack of brownies: 50
Tuna w/ light mayo: 60

Total: 290

Calories burned exercise: (estimate) 1100

Continuing to lose.

I managed not to eat much over thanksgiving, I tried to keep myself busy. Really difficult though.. I'm bordering between 121 and 122. Lunges & squats helped me kick two pounds off super fast, because I haven't done them in forever. I bought and read the books Unbearable Lightness and The Best Little Girl in the World. I preferred the first over the last, but my favorite is still Thin, the one mentioned below. I am getting a gym membership tonight because it is now too cold to run outside. But on another note, I love reading your guys' blogs and looking at all of your amazing thinspo. Its great motivation! :)

Today's meals:
Instant plain oatmeal: 100 cal
Light vanilla yogurt: 80 cal
Tuna with light mayo: 140
TOTAL: 320

Calories burned exercising: 750

It's been awhile..

I just haven't felt like blogging lately, but I still get on everyday. Thanks for your comments everyone! My weight's been at a solid 122. I went to a counselor who told me my weight is too low. But of course I don't see it. So I have to go back next week and start talking about my "self-esteem issues." Definitely not looking forward to that. Because now I'll have someone checking weekly on my weight. Ew. The recommended weight for my height is 135-155. That's disgusting, and I would know! Tall people should not be fat! I read a book called "Thin" by Grace something. I really liked it for the most part. Pick yourself up a copy. :)

Strength & Control

Yesterday's fast was almost a success; I just ate a 80cal vanilla yogurt.
Today's meals:
1/2 cup brown rice w/ veggies: 159
100 cal soup: 160
TOTAL: 319
I ended up purging the soup, but I'll still count it anyways because who knows how many calories my body managed to store.
And plus I burned 692 exercising. I hit 124 again. I haven't been 123 since I was a freshman in high school....oh my!

binge fest

This is what I currently look like:

Sad to say I binged over the last week. Its like everyday I woke up and could not stop eating. I think it maybe had something to do with the medicine my doctor prescribed..zoloft and xanax. If that's the case then I'll definitely be switching. Although I do love the xanax. It's so calming. Yesterday My calorie intake was only 150.. and today I will be fasting. I'm back to 127. I just feel like a failure and so discouraged.

Promises

Today was a hard day resisting food. It was day four of the Gm diet. I had 3 bananas and two glasses of milk, along with black coffee and green tea. I almost gave in to eating the pizza my family ordered. It was so delicious looking and it smelled amazing. But instead of reaching for it I just sat there frozen convincing myself I would regret it the moment it went down my throat. I know I said I wouldn't weigh myself until I was done with the GM diet..but I couldnt help myself. I weighed myself tonight and was 125. So I can't wait to see what I am in the morning! I also bought some Diurex Ultra pills. I'm hoping it will help with the water weight since I drink so much liquids. If it doesn't I'll go with your advice, Bella Ana, and try some laxies.
I always get a bit nervous when it comes to weekends, because that's when I always binge. I'm taking the train to downtown Chi to do a little shopping because ALL my clothes are too loose, even my winter coats! But I probably won't buy alot because I still plan on losing much, much more. :)
Go me.
10/21/10
3 small bananas (spread out through the day: 270
2 cups of milk: 244
2 cups steamed broccoli: 87
TOTAL: 601
No exercising

Venting

I hate when people try to discourage me from losing weight. I haven't been hiding the fact that I want to lose more but I need to start. My nana is starting to make comments such as "you're so disciplined when it comes to eating and exercising." It's hard not be condescending on those who talk about losing weight but have no self-control. Then there are those type of people who try to make you feel bad about being so thin. Jealous much? Someone's a f*cking liar if they say they're happy with the way they look. I try to tell myself "ten more pounds then I'll be happy" but I'll probably never be satisfied.
My boyfriend moved to Texas today..(I live in Illinois) He is adamant about us staying together and me moving out there when he has everything ready. To tell you the truth, I'm happy with a long-distance relationship for now. It gives me more time to put all my energy into nurturing my relationship with Ana. She's very demanding. Anyways. Here's the menu for today. (Day 3 of GM diet)
10/20/10
Juiced tomato: 18
Grapes: 120
Pepperoncinis: 23
Orange: 70
Apple:116
Steamed Broccoli: 87
TOTAL: 435

Calories burned exercising: 560
I couldn't help not running, it's how I relieve stress.

Alone in a crowded room.

Today is day two of the GM diet. That means all veggies today. Tomorrow I'll be allowed to eat both veggies and fruit. Yummy.
I decided I'm not going to weigh myself until after the 7th day of it. I can't wait to see what I weigh!
10/19/10
Potato: 163
Steamed broccoli & cauliflower: 75
3 large carrots: 90
Peas: 60
1/8th of a sweet potato: 13
TOTAL: 400

My stomach didn't like the peas and sweet potato that I barely ate so I had to purge right after. Funny enough, I think my stomach has trained itself. Does this ever happen to anyone? Anyways, I'm going to stop jogging for awhile...I'm scared my legs are getting too muscular. So that means a definite decrease in the calories I'll be burning. :/ Which scares me because I don't want my metabolism to slow down. Errrrr.



It's amazing how fast Ana took over my life. She completely took over my thoughts. I give no thought to my boyfriend, college, hanging out with friends. I've isolated myself and I absolutely love it. Sad? Maybe, but I could care less. All my focus is what I can do to get that number on the scale lower.

Making progress

I weighed 126 today. I thought that was weird because I did binge a little over the weekend...which I guess is just what my body needed to get my metabolism running again. I started the "GM diet" today. I'm pretty excited to see how it turns out. I'm really trying to hit 120 by December. Everyone keeps asking me when I'm going to stop losing weight...Um who knows? When I feel like I'm not huge I guess. I'll try to put a picture up of me soon.
Today's menu
10/18/10
Apple: 116
Orange: 70
Grapes: 60
TOTAL: 246

Calories burned exercising: 561

Got to have control.

I hit 127 last night, I'm waiting to see if it sticks. My body is so tired. I work in a small office and the last two days my co-workers have been bringing in donuts and other treats. I have to sit right by the table where they sit on. But NO, I have not gave in. It's mentally exhausting to sit there for hours and tell myself not to eat them. Control, control, control. Here's today's menu.

10/14/10
Activia peach light yogurt: 70
Sugar free red bull: 15
Small salad w/ light italian: 27
Select harvest light soup: 100
TOTAL: 212

Calories burned exercising: 693

It's getting harder to increase the calorie amount. I know I should be hitting 500 some days. But I can't bring myself to do it.

Stuck

(taken from prettythin)

My weight won't seem to go down from 128...I don't know why its at a stand still. I drink plenty of green tea and exercise everyday.

8/13/10
1/2 cup brown rice: 109
1/2 cup steamed broccoli/cauliflower: 12
1/2 Lean Cuisine: 115
Soy bbq chips: 120
TOTAL: 357

Calories burned exercising: 480

I ended up purging the chips so I guess you could take some calories away from the total..

Freezing

10/12/10
(18) Pringles light fat free: 79
Lean cuisine chicken parmesan: 300
TOTAL: 379

Calories burned exercising: 538
Remember bbys, hunger hurts but starving works.







I don't know how to properly explain the process of thought going on in my head. I feel more like a robot than I do human. I'm able to keep myself numb while going through the same motions every single day. Someone else is always controlling my moves by the strings connected to my body. Will I ever be in control? It doesn't feel that way. I wish my body didn't require food. Coffee and red bulls aren't doing their job anymore. My body is screaming "more food, more food!" and my mind is saying "no, don't, those are lies." I am conscience of every morsel that enters my mouth. I hate it. Why can't I be normal? See normal? All I see are imperfections, flaws. Someone get these goggles off me.

I wish I could make myself feel something for him. he has all this love for me...and what do I have? A big void. A black hole where my heart once was.

A stick?

Surely I don't see what they are seeing. I see 128 on that scale. I see huge hips and fat thighs, not to meant my nasty muscular calves. Being as tall as I am, I feel that I have a disadvantage. Tall girls never look good being even average. We have to be thin to look good. That is my opinion anyways.
Here's todays count.

10/8/10
1/4 cup peach: 15
Sugar free red bull: 15
1/2 cup Low fat cottage cheese: 80
Steamed broccoli & cauliflower: 100
TOTAL: 210

Calories burned exercising: 573

Can't stop me now.

Decreasing.

I wasn't able to exercise today due to my schedule. I am working on trying to find a second job to take up my free time at night. I need distraction. But believe me I will be making it up tomorrow, well I should say tonight considering it is after midnight. I love nothing more than a eight mile walk. I decided I am cutting out foods with flour in them and also milk. I make sure to take the needed vitamins everyday that my body needs. For people who like toast but don't want the flour, try Ezekiel bread. It contains no flour and the cinnamon raisin is yummy plain.

Sorry for using actual models and not "real people thinspo" but since I am 5'10 I feel like I can compare myself better to them.
Usually models who are 5'10 usually weigh 115, but I don't know if I'll be able to stop there.

jogging 5 mi on 230 calories...

I'm exhausted.
I use the app "Lose it!" on my iPod touch to record calories eaten, and also calories burned from exercise. Whomever has a phone that is able to have apps, I highly reccomend this app if you're a calorie counter freak like me. Here's my stats starting from Monday.

10/4/10
1/4 cup refried beans: 59
1/4 cup rice: 31
TOTAL: 90

Calories burned from exercise: 315

10/5/10
Over easy egg: 90
Lean Cuisine: 260
Fudge stripe cookie pack: 100
1/2 Apple: 47
Cheese stick: 80
Club low fat cracker: 14
TOTAL: 591

Calories burned from exercise: 440

10/6/10
Healthy Choice frozen meal: 230
1/2 cup Cottage cheese (lowfat): 80
1 celery stalk: 10
TOTAL: 367

Calories burned from exercise: 903

I also drink 3 cups of black coffee, 6 cups of green tea, & of course ice water...but neither has calories so I don't bother recording.

Model type, skinny with no appetite.

Still eating less, still working out like crazy, still no changes.

I want her legs...
Anja Rubic

Still losing.

My calorie intake is still low. Ranging from 300 to 700. Never any more. I'm still burning quite a few calories a day through exercise; 4 mi each day, followed by abs and light weight lifting. There's finally a gap between my thighs, so I know I am making progress. I've cut my friends and boyfriend out my life. Kind of depressing, but most days I prefer to be alone. The gossip and jealousy is a great factor of what motivates me. While my old friends are gaining their "freshman 15" I'm losing more and more!
Here's some motivation bbys.








my favorite:

So happy.

Today I hit 127! Some of it is just water weight, I know, but this is the lowest I've been in two years. I'm currently out in Arizona visiting some family and looking for colleges. I've been hiking and watching what I eat really closely. I always am ordering salads because my father likes to eat out alot. The skinnier I get, the more control I seem to have over eating. I love it here, the mountains, the weather, the people. I'm hoping I move here very soon.

Thinspo because I need a reminder of what I'm close to reaching

I woke up today and was back to 135. Depressing.
I don't feel like writing much...so here's some random faves of today, including one of my favorite thinspo's Annalynne Mccord.

Back to routine

I missed the feeling of being disciplined. My self-esteem always strengthens when I commit myself to losing the weight.



The last few days I have been doing really well with not going over 500 calories. I never have any trouble with wanting to eat during the day but it seems at night is the hardest for me. Probably because that is my downtime. I work 7:30am to 4pm then immediately after I tan, and jog...but after that I have nothing to occupy my time with. Any suggestions?

5'10 & 133

Surprisingly enough, I only gained 3 pounds the 3 weeks I was off my diet. But now I am back to the weight I was right after my diet, and I'm back to running everyday. I already feel better about myself. I'm just hoping I can keep it in control this time. It is mainly when my family has special dinners or when we eat out that I tend to go a little crazy. I've been looking online at the calories of foods at fast food restaurants and now have some knowledge of what to order when the time comes.
Like for example here are some good choices to order from Mcdonalds...my guilty pleasure:
(remember to stick with grilled chicken)
Caesar Salad w/ Grilled Chicken 270 (dressing 190)
but you can substitue dressing- low fat balsamic 40 or low fat italian 60
Ranch Snack Wrap 270
Chipotle BBQ or Honey Mustard Snack Wrap 260
Fruit'n'Yogurt Parfait 160


My other guilty pleasure is teen mom. I love Maci.

Dreamer

I think the main reason I want to get down to 120 is because if I'm skinny enough, then maybe he'll want me back.
That is unlikely of course but I can dream can't I?

Back in control always depletes my fears. It is when I begin to lose control of my diet that I get scared. Like I've stated before, it is easier for me to not eat than to limit myself. Coffee, green tea, and vitamins supply me with my energy. I definitely recommend exercising to anyone who wants to lose weight. Even when you don't feel like doing anything...go on an hour walk and it will give you motivation. It always works for me, and it helps speed up your metabolism.

Expressions

"I know not yet what I shall sing; I only know the song is there."
-Fet


I read this one day and I truly felt that it was written for me. I have so many thoughts, words, feelings inside me; I feel that they are "blocked" from coming out. I do not know how else to describe it. I am unable to express what is hidden inside me. I am hoping that maybe one day it will all come tumbling out on a blank page.

I am still struggling with my weight. Same old saga. It has gone back up, which has thrown me into a depression. I am only happy when I feel thin. It seriously feels like that was forever ago. I promise myself that TODAY is the day I get back on track, back in control.

Juicy

I recently discovered the joy of juicing fruit. And the different juices I can make are amazingly good. And it is the perfect cover of hiding the fact that I'm not eating. I can now say I'm putting my body through detox without my family making a big deal of me eating less.

Anyways,
I'll be twenty in less than a week...I still can't believe I have one more year until that magic number twenty-one. It feels like I passed that age a long time ago. While everyone is out partying, I'm working over forty hours a week to save up money that I have no idea what I'm going to do with. Pay bills? Get my own place in Chicago? Say "fuck it" and go on a shopping spree? I really have no idea.

Turmoil

So it has been months since I've last posted, or bothered even to get on. I've been through so much crap these last six months, I don't even know where to begin. The only good news is I've been able to lose 20lbs and keep it off. I'm still not to my ideal weight, but I'm a hell of alot closer.

At 5'10 and weighing 135, I do appear to be thin, but I don't feel thin..I definitely don't feel like I've lost weight. I still see the same image in the mirror. I'm only eating no more than 500 calories a day but it still feels like too much. It is easier for me not to eat at all than to keep myself within the limit.

Like usual, my family is suffocating me. I'm back in the small town where I promised myself I'd never come back. The only options I have now are moving to Chicago to my own place or to Phoenix, Arizona with my father. I'd rather have my own place...but I'm not sure I could afford it right now. So that leaves me Arizona. It would be a whole new life...which is what I want. But then that means leaving my boyfriend and everything else behind...

My thinspiration for this month

These help me get closer everyday.